Even the plants want to kill you

For most of the country, the end of March signals the end of winter.  Snow melts as the world once again gets painted in the pastels of spring.  Here, in what I like to call “Hell’s Waiting Room”, the end of March signals that once again we were too lazy to move to a more temperate climate.

Summer in Arizona is less about picnics and cookouts and more about finding stylish oven mitts to wear on your hands while driving.   Even our flora and fauna is bitter about the heat here.  Sure other states have plants that are poisonous, but Arizona plants don’t just settle for making it’s citizens itch like poison ivy.  Oh no.  Our plants are homicidal.  They want you dead.  If they aren’t covered in prickly spines – cactus, I’m looking at you – they are poisonous.  Or sometimes, the plants themselves aren’t deadly but the things that live in them are.  Like spiders.  Or scorpions.  Or centipedes.  AAAAAGH.

Where other states have cute little bunnies and squirrels frolicking in the grass, we Arizonans share our desert with javelina – a boar-type creature who was not happy to be just an ugly pig.  No, he is an ugly stinky pig.  I love animals.  I love all animals.  But, javelina are simply not attractive animals in any way.  And the smell is really something only a mother, or another javelina, could love.

So while you are getting ready to dust the snow off your grill and partake in the great spring/summer adventure of cookouts and get togethers, think of me – wearing Williams Sonoma potholders on my hands fending my way through a desert of thorny, poisonous ANGRY plants.  Oh, and I’m probably being chased by a pack of stinky pigs.

Happy spring, America.


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